The Curriliad
by nedthejanitor
Summary: Have you ever wanted to read an epic poem about curry and romance, featuring School Rumble characters? Ahaha, didn't think so. But try it anyway.


**Disclaimer: FORSOOTH. I don't own School Rumble, but if I did, I'd rename it BRYANT GUMBEL RUMBLE just to fuck with people.**

**Okay, so this is an experiment. Bear with me; first time I've ever attempted a damn 1,000 word poem in (decidedly loose) iambic pentameter and I don't even have an exact outline for what's going to happen in the fanfic. Now that I've reassured you this is going to suck like a space vacuum in space's vacuum, please enjoy.**

Sing to me, muse, a tale from centuries past,  
or two years, either way, gone by so fast,  
of men who journeyed deep into the heart  
of women who did play a crucial part  
in stupidity these men committed  
for these women, matter it just didn't  
whether aforementioned numbskulls failed  
because- oh fuck it, let's just tell the tale

Begin our journey does with young Kurasuma,  
a student whose face implied lack of drama,  
but that could not be farther from the truth  
for this way comes a girl whose vibrant youth  
was upsold by her childish appearance  
Her foolishness served as her sister's penance  
The love she felt for this young man was deep  
But wait, for your attention I can't keep

Until I mention one young soul named Harima  
The girl, Tenma, was one he found "bellissima"  
(That's right, this stupid shit requires a translator)  
at this point, it'd take a death to save her  
from this love triangle she's now caught in  
"Karasuma, a curry shop! Have you been?"  
His dull eyes, even his, could hardly hide  
a feeling of contempt, a word so snide.

"Yes, of course," he said with such a flat tone  
with one another, they both felt alone  
Harima looked on from 'round a corner  
"by my beard, that jerk will never hold her!"  
From behind, he felt his ear's sharp twisting  
It was just the blonde who's always pissed-ing  
"What are you doing," Eri asked accusingly  
_"how dare he," _her mind screamed, _"for not choosing me!"_

"Damn it, rich girl," Harima responded,  
"all these years and we have never bonded  
so why must you follow so incessantly?  
And, to top that, you speak so unpleasantly!"  
Eri huffed, and called him by his nickname.  
"Whiskers, Tenma's date is not some game  
you can watch from far away, now stop it  
with this spying stuff you do so often!"

Meanwhile, in the store, the smell of curry  
was enough to stir bowels in a hurry.  
A normal man would shit until he died  
if the lunchtime special he did try.  
Kurasuma, however, wasn't normal,  
though he knew he ought to be more formal,  
he got "the usual," and Tenma gasped  
when a bowl big as a tub was brought fast

"Six hundred more words of this shit?!" I scream,  
"man, this is so much harder than it seems!  
I have to introduce a little twist  
or bad reviews will fly in just like fists!"  
Mikoto and Akira, almost done,  
can't help but notice Kenji, not alone,  
walking to a little booth with Eri  
"she won't go away! This chick is scary!"

So now the whole gang's almost here, which means  
the owner of this place will lose his greens  
rebuilding his business from the spectacle  
that is destined to occur with these respectable  
agents of most bullshitty destruction  
as if their whole existence is obstruction  
Sing to me, muse, the clash that did begin  
to strike like mortal hearts are struck with sin

Across the room, Harima witnessed then,  
Karasuma was almost finished when  
Tenma, laughing, said he left her nothing  
in his eating frenzy, speed so stunning,  
Taken with offense was mighty Kenji  
"that Kaiba-looking jerk is way too stingy!"  
So there and then, young Harima decided  
The two of them were now to be divided.

"What the hell are you snarling at, whiskers,  
they're just eating, it's not like he kissed her!"  
Kenji, now impervious to reason,  
with a face cold like the winter season  
drew his fist back as he approached Oji  
"Hey, you two are looking way too cozy!"  
Next thing he knew, the bowl cut disappeared  
having dodged without a trace of fear

But during Oji's very choice backflip  
the half-ate tub of curry made a slip  
and flew up, pouring right on Kenji's face  
the girlish scream that came was a disgrace  
as Harima was dealt burns on his visage  
his rage went from tranquil straight to savage  
like something from a horror movie, he  
stood up so the whole shop his burns could see

In horror, many diners puked and fled  
and from young Kenji's scars such curry bled  
Kurasuma could not contain himself  
and latched on that boy's face like bats from hell  
He'd be damned if he would lose his sustenance  
Over just some idiot's virulence  
The young Tsukamoto girl had long since gone  
Her dreams would be black nightmares for time long

A million pictures came from the debacle  
Mikoto's cellphone caught the scene so awful  
from several angles until Mr. Timothy  
the English owner of the shop did bitterly  
claim that none of them were to return  
and "GET THE FUCK OUT" was what they would earn  
for every single customer he lost  
and every bit of reputation cost

Harima was taken to the ER  
weeping with pain in a stranger's car  
on first name basis with the work-worn staff  
why he was there, they didn't even ask  
Karasuma himself was ruined socially  
the rumors crushed his reputation totally  
"I can't believe he tried to molest Harima  
the things some folks will do, it really bothers ya!"

And so thus ends our tale of food and treachery  
but if you were enjoying this menagerie,  
please keep in your thoughts that hero Kenji  
who is paying harsh for being stingy  
with a madam so plain as our Tenma  
whose effect on Kenji's like an enema  
allowing him to spew out so much bullshit  
nobody but God himself can stop it

**THE END, VERILY**


End file.
